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Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Smackdown

Today an epic battle to place at our house.  Today villages were destroyed, blood was shed and lives were lost.  Okay, not really, but my kid DID defeat me in Hungry Hungry hippos.  And I got hit in the eye...

Monday, July 11, 2011

A Fishin' Story

I am proud to say I have celebrated just about every first with my daughter.  I was there when she first saw the light of day.  There was her first smile, first word, first step and even the first time she kicked me in the crotch whilst riding in a shopping cart.  Okay, maybe I didn't celebrate that one so much, but trust me, I was there for it.

Today I took Miss Add fishing.  When she was still in diapers I longed for the day I could take her out and watch her excitement as she reeled in Moby Dick on her little Nemo pole.  Today was that day.  

I look forward to many more firsts with her.  Her first day of school, first straight A report card, first car, first boyfriend...well, maybe not looking forward to that.  That boy might end up just like her first fish (and almost her pole today)...right in the lake...


Friday, July 8, 2011

How a Redneck Woman Changed My Heart

I have always thought of myself as a kind and generous person.  I mean, I'm no Mother Theresa or Ghandi by any means, (Lord knows I could use his diet plan). But I am a feller who will go out of his way to make someone's life a little better through word or deed.  As of late though I have been a little more self-loathing on my self-vision.

Ya see, I have been the funny guy to those who know me.  I can crack a swift one-liner at the drop of a hat without blinking.  I can make jokes at any moment to let others around me have a good laugh.  Maybe that's because I grew up in a family with a sense of humor or maybe I developed that skill out of self-preservation from being the fat kid at school.  I figured if I was gonna get laughed at, it was going to be on MY terms and not because I had a liking to the overindulgence of my mom's spaghetti and fried chicken.

My terms meant making other folks laugh at other folks.  The easiest target, people with disabilities.  I learned that if you remove yourself far from another's pain or affliction, the better it makes you look better in your own mind.  This is delusional, I know that now, but I didn't want to think of it like that before...it took away from the jokes.

My wife had even worked with people with disabilities of all sorts.  She helped them to find employment to better their lives and claimed that it actually bettered hers.  She was filled with such a satisfaction when she could help others.  At the time she was in that job I had to put my humor for the disabled away.  It didn't impress her when I would crack a short bus joke. In fact, it pissed her off.  Her heart would never allow herself or someone else around her to belittle anyone for any reason.  I was admonished many a time when my sharp tongue would pierce her mind with something so mean for the sake of a foolish laugh.  My wife would always tell me she was dumbfounded at how I could go for a cheap easy laugh when she knew I had it in me to be truly funny without having to be at the expense of someone else.  I would dismiss it.  I didn't know these people, therefore it didn't affect me.

Time went on and she changed professions, (although her fondness for the disability community did not).  To me this meant that I was free to tell jokes like the old days.  I mean after all, who was I hurting?  It wasn't like I was telling those jokes TO someone with a disability, just telling those jokes ABOUT them.

Then I Met Tanis

My wife is somewhat of a social media junkie. (I wanted to say genius, but she is too modest to let me call her that)  Heck, it's what she does for a living now.  She was (and still is) trying to get me into the 21st century by hooking me up in the realms of social media via the norms of Facebook, Twitter, and now Google +.  She introduced me to the bloggers who influenced her.  One of those being Tanis Miller.  You really need to read her blog to get the true feel for who she is.  I am pretty good at descriptive writing, but I couldn't do her the justice that her own blog can.  What I can say is I'm not much of a reader, but I sat down the first night and started reading her posts and didn't stop for 4 hours.  I started with her humorous posts, from I am Canadian (please don't hurt me!) to Plight of the Pillsbury.  Her creative and sometimes raunchy humor made me laugh hysterically, but I noticed that the only person she made fun of was herself...and at times her husband who must be a man of great humor and patience.  She never turned her sharp wit toward anyone else.  Although brash and naughty at times, her writings were sincere and hilarious.  I then turned my attention to her more serious posts.

These Are God's Children

The first post out of her "Reality" was Why You Should Never Use The "R" Word.  Just one of many posts talking about the loss of her son, Shale, the adoption and loss of her foster child she calls Bambam, and her Jumby, her adopted son.  She talked in depth about her passion with children with disabilities.  She opened her heart to the realities of illness, pain, courage and loss more than anyone I had ever met.  I couldn't stop reading...or crying.  At first I was moved by how protective she is over her children.  Her anger against prejudice convicted me on the spot.  She was talking directly to me.  "You cold, heartless bastard." I thought of myself.  How could you EVER make a joke about someone like this? These are people who are loved.  These are her children...these are God's Children!  Calling myself a Christ loving man seemed like the bigger joke here.  Her children never laughed at me, how could I do that to them.  I felt so small.  I never thought of myself as evil...until then.  There was never, EVER anything wrong with them.  The problem all along was with me. That's not who I am and I refuse to be that way.  I swore I'd never do it again...and I meant it.

I'm Still Growing

I believe that God moves in all ways through all people.  He used my wife's awesome social media skills to get me to The Redneck Mommy.  He used the Redneck Mommy to get to me.  It worked.  I no longer think jokes about others who do not meet "society's norms" are funny.  They breathe the same air I do and their hearts beat in the same rhythm as mine. God loves them the same as He does me. They deserve the same human respect as I would want for myself or those whom I love.  I am still ashamed for what I used to think was funny.  But now I can be thankful for this changed heart.  I'm still growing, thank God.

Thank you, Tanis for being real in every way.  You are more than just entertaining.  You are an educator to those of us who need educating.  You and Jumby are both new heroes of mine.  I hope that I can change the hearts of others like you have.  I think I'll start with me :)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Sprint Effin' Rocks!!! (So do their Reps)

Long story short, I pressure washed my phone the other day.  I didn't mean to, but it happened.  I will never lie, therefore I honestly swear that it was an accident.  I say this because I have been nagging my wife to let me get a phone like hers...the HTC Evo 4G.  I would NEVER have done this on purpose, the timing here is COMPLETELY coincidental and I will swear this upon my deathbed.  (Just in case somebody from Sprint actually reads this...)



Anyhoo...I noticed that shortly after my phone took a bath that it wasn't working as intended.  When I would go to use the keyboard to text someone a simple message like, "Hi there", my phone would translate it into, "!@#%JASDU  MMM<<<ADJJWQERF KKU!!" I wondered, at first, if maybe I had accidentally hit the "CIA Code Encryption" key on my settings, but alas, I have no CIA clearance.  Thus I knew the problem was severe telephonic overhydration...or as I call it, I drownded my phone. (and  YES, I know "drownded" isn't a real word, but that's what I told my sales rep anyways)

So my rep, Krista, said I could either do the insurance claim on the phone or I could upgrade.  I knew what I wanted...the same super-phone that my wife got.  (NOTE: I truly want to say that I wanted my wife's phone because of it's awesome social networking capabilities and super fast processor...but I really liked it because she could download Angry Birds and I couldn't on my donkey of a phone)  But it was gonna cost me over $400 for the upgrade since I wasn't eligible yet to do so for a reduced rate.  Even though I don't mind spending a little money on myself from time to time, I couldn't justify spending that much cash on a phone.

Just then, Krista, or as I call her the Angel of Sprint Mercy, tells me that she would apply the upgrade to our AirRave device that allows us to get a cell phone signal way out here in the sticks.

All in all the phone costed me the same amount as would filing a claim against my old phone.  There are two pluses to this story:

1. I got what I wanted for less cost without throwing a huge redneck tantrum.
2 Sprint gets to keep my business for two more years.

Kudos to Sprint for employing folks like Krista who try to take care of their customers no matter how clumsy they really are, and Kudos to Krista for treating me great.  You are pure AwEsOmEsAuCe!!!

(I would like to tell you that I wrote this entire post using my new HTE Evo 4G....but I am still playing Angry Birds on it...and I just beat another level)

Saturday, July 2, 2011

GOODe Ole Boy's Guide to a CHANCE at Morning Lovemaking

Now I'm not sayin' that I have (or have not) ever made advances of an intimate nature towards my wife right after waking up in the morning.  I am also not going to reveal that when a man wakes up in the morning he is usually very hairy, gassy, grumpy and has a bad case of death mouth, a..k.a. morning breath.

That being said, if you are a man in the company of a woman in the mornings, do not be ANY of the above in ANY combination and expect intimacy.  If you are any of the above and expect your wife to cooperate with your wishes, you are either an idiot, or she is numb from the neck up. (No offenses to women who are actually numb from the neck up, this isn't meant for you here)



I have compiled a list of things a man should do before even thinking about knocking on the doors of love in the morning.  Here ya go:



1. Shave - No woman wants to feel like she is being smothered by a porcupine in the morning.  A good morning kiss is enough to let her know you love her...it's also enough to let her know she is lying next to Pinhead from Hellraiser.



2. Brush those teeth - No woman wants to kiss the tail end of a dead skunk.  After a good morning kiss, she may know you love her, but she is also wondering which end of you she actually kissed while still trying to focus her eyes that early in the a.m.



3. Fart in the bathroom - Having gas is a natural part of digestion.  Playing your tuba under the sheets is not a good thing to do to prove things are working down there.  Although you may think it's cute, it is extremely non-conducive to a woman's libido.  Also, it smells up the sheets.  I have yet to meet a woman in her right mind that loves to do it in the sewer...

4.  Ask her if she is in the mood - Just because you and Mr. Willy both tend to wake up at the same time doesn't mean she is on the same clock.  If she says no that doesn't necessarily mean try harder.  And for the love of all things sacred, don't show her who is fully awake.  It makes you look like a smiling 3 year old proud of his new toy...




5.  Don't grab at her - Just because you want to grope lovingly touch your wife because you are up doesn't mean it is the correct way to go about things.




 This may lead to shin kicking and elbowing.  It may also lead to injury to all parties fully awake.  Give her a hug and maybe a neck/back massage, but keep your hands (and other parts) away from her more intimate places.



6. Don't Pout - Remember that 3 year old with the new toy???  Don't show that same child to her when you don't get your way.  Nothing kills any inkling of a chance like a whiner.  I've never seen a woman get turned on by a kid throwing a tantrum...

Though you may not get what you want right then, you may be rewarded later for you better behaviors.  We as humans have developed/matured/evolved past the days where the caveman was hot.  A real man will get his woman through understanding her needs.



Gone are the days where Stinky the Neanderthal gets his way with the ladies...

Again, I am not saying I have learned these life lessons through experience.  That may make you think I'm not perfect...and I couldn't let you think that.
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