Saturday, July 2, 2011

GOODe Ole Boy's Guide to a CHANCE at Morning Lovemaking

Now I'm not sayin' that I have (or have not) ever made advances of an intimate nature towards my wife right after waking up in the morning.  I am also not going to reveal that when a man wakes up in the morning he is usually very hairy, gassy, grumpy and has a bad case of death mouth, a..k.a. morning breath.

That being said, if you are a man in the company of a woman in the mornings, do not be ANY of the above in ANY combination and expect intimacy.  If you are any of the above and expect your wife to cooperate with your wishes, you are either an idiot, or she is numb from the neck up. (No offenses to women who are actually numb from the neck up, this isn't meant for you here)

I have compiled a list of things a man should do before even thinking about knocking on the doors of love in the morning.  Here ya go:

1. Shave - No woman wants to feel like she is being smothered by a porcupine in the morning.  A good morning kiss is enough to let her know you love's also enough to let her know she is lying next to Pinhead from Hellraiser.

2. Brush those teeth - No woman wants to kiss the tail end of a dead skunk.  After a good morning kiss, she may know you love her, but she is also wondering which end of you she actually kissed while still trying to focus her eyes that early in the a.m.

3. Fart in the bathroom - Having gas is a natural part of digestion.  Playing your tuba under the sheets is not a good thing to do to prove things are working down there.  Although you may think it's cute, it is extremely non-conducive to a woman's libido.  Also, it smells up the sheets.  I have yet to meet a woman in her right mind that loves to do it in the sewer...

4.  Ask her if she is in the mood - Just because you and Mr. Willy both tend to wake up at the same time doesn't mean she is on the same clock.  If she says no that doesn't necessarily mean try harder.  And for the love of all things sacred, don't show her who is fully awake.  It makes you look like a smiling 3 year old proud of his new toy...

5.  Don't grab at her - Just because you want to grope lovingly touch your wife because you are up doesn't mean it is the correct way to go about things.

 This may lead to shin kicking and elbowing.  It may also lead to injury to all parties fully awake.  Give her a hug and maybe a neck/back massage, but keep your hands (and other parts) away from her more intimate places.

6. Don't Pout - Remember that 3 year old with the new toy???  Don't show that same child to her when you don't get your way.  Nothing kills any inkling of a chance like a whiner.  I've never seen a woman get turned on by a kid throwing a tantrum...

Though you may not get what you want right then, you may be rewarded later for you better behaviors.  We as humans have developed/matured/evolved past the days where the caveman was hot.  A real man will get his woman through understanding her needs.

Gone are the days where Stinky the Neanderthal gets his way with the ladies...

Again, I am not saying I have learned these life lessons through experience.  That may make you think I'm not perfect...and I couldn't let you think that.


  1. Hey forget men r from mars women r from Venus... U r the new love doctor in our home!!!! Great post, Boy!


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