Tuesday, December 20, 2011

.............A GOODe Ole Christmas Card.............

They say every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings...

Betcha wish somebody'd unring that bell, huh???

Merry Christmas from the GOODe Ole Boy!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Bad Kitty

The other day Miss Add got a package in the mail from her Uncle Tim and Aunt Kyle.  Uncle Tim is a big time lawman and knows how to investigate things.  He was able to deduce that my kid is big time into Hello Kitty...I bet he asked grandma.  She was way too excited (Miss Add, not Grandma) and Mommy and I couldn't wait to see her open her package.

Inside she discovered a Hello Kitty bubble bath decanter.

Complete with little outfits and effervescent soaps that turn the bath pretty colors.
I haven't seen my kid so excited to take a bath. Ever.

The next night it was my turn to give Miss Add her bath.  I drew the water, got it to the right temperature, stripped my kid down until the only thing she was wearing was a spaghetti sauce stain on her forehead. (She gets into her bahsketti, as she calls it).  Then she handed me her well dressed kitty.  

I go to pop the head off since nothing says fun bathtime like decapitating a cat in order to squeeze the soap out of her.  I tugged and tugged, but the darn head wouldn't come off.  The harder I tried more the kid was cheering me on as well as giving her input on how hard I had to pull.  I wasn't paying attention to her exact location when I finally gave a giant yank on Hello Kitty's noggin and the sucker flew right off...smack dab into my kid's nose.  

Of course the tears and wailing ensued.  All I heard for the next five minutes was "Daddy, you hit me id da dose!!!"  As the tears streamed down her face my own started to well up.  I do everything I can to protect my child, I couldn't imagine ever purposely hurting her.  I felt like an uber schmuck...and I now hate that cat...  

Needless to say, I told her how sorry I was and she was all better when she saw the fizzy soap bubbling in the water.  That being said, she still got to watch two movies before she had to go to sleep as well as getting to eat and drink whatever she wanted.  Nothing says parental apology like spoiling your kid. 

As for Hello Kitty, it may just have to remain headless to avoid future injuries...

Monday, November 28, 2011

Why I Shave My Head...

I originally shared the following post 3 years ago when I was pretty new to the whole Facebook thing, so yes, it is copied and pasted here.  But it loses none of it's meaning from me.  I truly wish I had a picture of him to share to you all, but this all happened right before the digital age really boomed.  I giggle when I think about what his status updates would be.  This guy helped shape who I am, I hope to thank him someday for it...

Back in 2000, I, for the first time ever, felt like a failure in life. I had recently dropped out of the police academy due to a knee injury and an unwilling heart. My marriage was on the brink of separation, and as a man, I felt like I wasn’t a very good representation of one. Scrambling to find work, I returned to the jail where I had done part of my college internship and worked once before during a previous hiatus from the academy due to the same injury. (Told you I felt like a failure) There I became friends with some truly remarkable and memorable people. People who I became friends with, and thanks to Facebook, am still in touch with to this day. I also became friends with a guy named Eric.

Eric was a shaved-headed, Thai-American, former Air Force medic who worked second shift at the jail. He was a sarcastic and charismatic fellow who could find humor in the worst of people who came through the doors of the jail. Nothing seemed to scare him and nothing seemed to shock him, but most things entertained him. In fact, the only time I ever saw him in awe was when an extremely large woman, obviously under the influence of something, decided to strip down completely naked and hunch the bars of her cell while screaming at the top of her lungs. When he saw this, his eyes became huge, then he smiled and said what he always said when something tickled him, “Wow!”

One thing that I didn’t understand about him was just why exactly he shaved his head, so I asked him. He said that it was the most comfortable haircut he ever had and that I should try it. He said it also made him feel more intimidating to the inmates…more “badass” if you will. I thought about this for a couple days. I wasn’t comfortable with the way I looked or felt, and I surely wanted to feel more “badass” about myself. So one night I went home, jumped in the shower, and took a disposable, single blade Bic razor and shaved my head. I might as well have used my wife’s razor. I came out of the shower, clean shaven, with cuts all over my head looking like our cat had attacked me. But even though I looked like a car crash victim, it was quite comfortable…until my wife saw it. The next day I came into the jail with cuts and pimples all over my head. Eric was the first to see me. He was almost in tears, and not of pride or joy. He was laughing too hard at the sight of my head to understand the influence he had on me. Then he explained the importance of a good, multi-blade razor and a good aftershave. I just wished he had told me that sooner…

Over time I became more confidant in myself and Eric would become one of my good friends. I confided in him about the deterioration of my marriage and he told me that his was that way once. He told me how he made his work and how I needed to work harder on mine. Through his actions he showed me how to walk around “like I had a pair.” I admired him for that. We worked together and we worked out together. We shared an interest in early 80’s cartoons like Transformers and Voltron, as well as music and law enforcement. He could also drink anybody under the table, then giggle about the hangover. We also shared a common interest in the humor brought before us every day at the jail. I felt like I hadn’t really grown up until my time in the Ident basement. I learned a lot about people as well as myself.

As time went on, I realized that I didn’t want to be a cop as bad as I thought I once did. I later found a job with the railroad and said my goodbyes to my friends in the basement. Eric found a new job as well. Although he wanted nothing more than to be a cop, he found a job with Brinks Security until a door opened with a police department. We still stayed in touch through email, though we didn’t really get to see that much of each other after working in the jail.

Then, one day in the summer of 2001, Eric called me out of the blue and asked for my help. He needed to pick up a mattress and asked to use my new pickup truck. I was glad to help and excited to see my friend again. We got the chance to hang out for a while and catch up. He asked how my marriage was going. I told him it was still a bunch of ups and downs, but was getting a little better. I got to see his new uniform and gun, as well as his collection of action figures, which I thought were super cool. He then gave me flak about my newly full grown head of hair. Then he asked me something. He knew that I was a Christian (albeit an extremely imperfect one) and said he was reading up on it. He wanted to know my take on it. I told him what my faith meant to me and what I believed happened after we died. He was receptive and respectful. He said he understood what I believed and was curious about it, but didn’t know what to think of it all. I told him that I would answer any question he had at any time. I also told him I loved him. Of course he gave me that masculine, homophobic look and laughed at me. Of course the love I meant was that of a friend. I told him he meant a lot to me and I thanked him for the impact he had on me. We went our separate ways and stayed in contact again through e-mail. In the next few months I would send him music I was working on and he would send me e-mails of the new house he and his wife had just purchased and the Christmas lights he was proudly hanging on it. Then the end of November came.

I was at work on a break watching the TV in our canteen area when a breaking news story came on the air. The report was of a Brinks Security guard who was shot on the east side of town. The wouldn’t release the name of the guard, only that they were in critical condition at Wishard hospital. I immediately called his house and left a message. I stayed close to the TV, hoping that it wasn’t him. Then about an hour later, they said the guard had died and finally released the name, It was Eric Rigney. I could feel my heart in my throat. I had never lost a friend my age before, especially a friend who had been such an influence on me.

At Eric’s funeral I got the chance to see my friends from the basement again. Even under the circumstances, it felt good to catch up. We swapped stories about Eric and the jokes he told. We silently chuckled when all the good things were said about him from the preacher and his family. Not that he wasn’t good, just that our views on good were a little different. Then at the gravesite I said my final goodbye. I walked in line to the casket, laid my hand on his clean shaven head and told him how I would miss him. I still do. A few days later I was in the shower, and with tears running down my face, I shaved my head again…this time with a multi-blade razor.

I will carry his memory with me every day for the rest of my life and hope to see him again in heaven someday. He was just a simple guy working on his ambitions, but to me he was a hero. You want to know how he influenced my life? Through hard work, compassion, and mutual understanding my marriage is the best ever. I still walk around like I got a pair…and I still shave my head. Thanks Rigs…

Eric Joseph Rigney January 10, 1973-November 29, 2001. 11 years gone, forever missed…

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Back Waxin'

I used to have hair on my head.  A thick, flowing batch of locks that I would groom proudly.  When I hit my mid-twenties, that lush mane of mine turned into a thinning crop.  That's why I chose bald over balding.

The problem is that as I removed the hair from my head, more would grow in other places, i.e. my shoulders, back...and that little place right above the cheeks...

Yup, my butt has had a mullet...

I took an online poll and many of my "friends" said to get rid of it.  My wife agreed and even helped in the process.  I didn't realize she would take so much sport in it...enjoy.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

15 Years...

15 years ago today I made a commitment that started it all.  I met a girl a few weeks earlier in college that would change my life forever.  We would chat until the wee hours of the morning, not caring at all that we both had classes to attend in just a couple hours.  We laughed and told stories about our families and how similar our beliefs and ideals were.

Finally, on the morning of October 5, 1996 after staying up all night talking and watching a beautiful sunrise, I made a step of faith and told her something very important.  I told her I was scared of her.  I was scared because she was not what I had planned on.  I was determined to stay single and mingle among the ladies in my college circle.  I wasn't a gigolo
or anything, but playing the field was kinda fun.  Then she walked in the picture and screwed it all up.

I knew I wouldn't find a girl like her again.  She was strong, smart, wise and beautiful all wrapped up in one chick.  She wasn't into drama, but loved to dance in front of a crowd if it looked like fun. She was a believer in the same God I believed in and wasn't at all afraid to show it.

The cool thing is after all these years she is still that girl with all those qualities, only better.  She is all I'll ever want or need.  She is who God gave me.  She is my my best friend and my soulmate.

Fifteen years ago I asked that girl to go steady with me.  Best decision I ever made...

Monday, October 3, 2011

On The Hot Seat...

We went to Famous Dave's Barbecue yesterday for lunch.  They had a new sauce called Wilbur's Revenge.  It was loaded with habanero peppers.  I thought eating it on everything was a good idea at the time, the following video will explain why it was not...

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Power To The Panties!!!

I have a friend.  I have a friend I have never met, nor spoken to before, but still, I have a friend.  Her Name is Leontien.  My wife is actual friends with this gal and has been the one making actual contact with her as one of her bloggy pals over at Real Farmwives of America.
This new friend of mine recently found out that her battle with a cancer she had once beaten had come back.

I could go on about the fear we all have about cancer, but you already know the drill.  We get scared for our friend.  We cry for our friend.  We wish our friend well.  Yadda yadda yadda...

My wife and her friends went a wee step further.  They are pledging every day until Leontien beats cancer "Love For Leontien Day."  I am one of those friends jumping on board.  I will not only cheer her on and show my love and support for this brave, tough, awesome and beloved dairy chick.  I will also pray for her daily with every breath.  I know a God who is loving, kind and healing.  I believe that He will be there to beat this with Leontien.  I believe it with all my heart.

If you do the Facebook thingy, head over to the page dedicated to Leontien's fight.  Show your love and support for her like we do.

And if you follow blogs, check her's out.  It's cool like her!

Now, about the title of this post, "Power To The Panties"...  Leontien has a little ritual she does before heading to every test.  She dons her skull panties.  She does this to let cancer know she means business.  She's dressed for battle, and so are we.

I sent her a message the other day letting her know I was sporting my skull panties for her.  Just in case there is any doubt, I even made a video.  Enjoy...

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Aim High

This blog has usually dedicated itself to bragging on a certain kid, mine.  Although I could brag every day for the rest of my life on her, I'm going to brag on my brother's kid instead.

My brother, Doug, has a son named Casey.

  He's always been cool and always been an avid competitor and hunter. He's always been a good kid. He has always been driven to go into law enforcement ever since he was just a young'un.  As he got close to graduation he looked at the many possible avenues to get into law enforcement.  He knew there were two really good options, college and the military.  Now our family is not a military family.  Truth be told I couldn't name anyone that has been in any branch of our armed forces.  We have another brother who is a deputy in the United States Marshal Service as well as a sister-in-law who works for the Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department, but other than that, not too many on my side of the gene pool who vowed to protect and serve.

That is why everyone just figured Casey would probably go to college, get a degree and then if he still wanted to follow his dream he would apply to a law enforcement agency.

Casey shocked just about everyone when he said he was joining the military, the Air Force to be precise.

Although his decision struck a little bit of fear in those who loved him being in the middle of today's climate of conflict, Casey was encouraged by most to pursue what he wished.

In following his dream, he had someone by his side to help him make that dream become a reality.

Shortly before he went away to boot camp he married the girl of his dreams, Brianna.   I have stood back and watched Brianna cheer him on every step of the way.  Though separated by over a thousand miles, she was there beside him through it all.  Every day was filled with Facebook posts of encouragement and love to him.  What a beautiful thing young love is.  It is encouraging to even those of us who have been married for some time.  Theirs is an example for everyone else to follow.    Not once did I see her post something like "I miss you, this sucks, just quit and come home."  Instead she sent him notes telling him she loves him and of her pride for what he was doing.  His replies back were how much he loves her.  Mushy? Yes.  Necessary?  Absolutely!  I think I'm just as proud of her as I am Casey.

I am proud of my young nephew.  We went for his dreams.  He got the girl, accomplished his first mission, and has a multitude of family and friends to celebrate his homecoming tonight.  Congratulations A1C Goode.  You aimed high and we are all mighty proud of you!!!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

She's Growing Up

Today we dropped Miss Add off at her first day of preschool.  You should have seen her excitement in the weeks leading to today.  I don't think a day has gone by she hasn't reminded us that she was going to school.  This morning was no exception...

Around 6 a.m. she comes running into our room reminding us that she was going to school today.  The alarm was set for 8 mind you...

For the next two hours Cris and I tried to sleep, but it proved difficult when we were getting reminders from Addie every half hour.  Finally the alarm went off and I rolled over to see Miss Add wide eyed and the biggest grin on her face.  "I'm going to school today, Daddy!" she said.

I made my way downstairs and started a pot of coffee.  Cris told me to get Add's teeth brushed and she would get her clothes ready.  Addie bolted into her bathroom while I was still pouring water into the coffee maker.  By the time I hit the button, Add was in the kitchen grinning ear to ear.  "Sorry Daddy, I brushed my own teeth."  This being the same kid that hates to brush her teeth.

We arrived at her preschool a little early.  She was fidgeting the whole time we waited.  She just couldn't wait to see her friends that she hadn't even met yet.  We walked in and all the other parents were there with their kids.  Everyone of them, including us, were taking pictures and giving words of encouragement to our kids.  Then it happened...

Her classroom door opened and her teacher walked out to welcome her new students.  Addie headed for the door, then turned around and ran back to me and gave me a hug.  I knelt down, kissed the top of her head and whispered "I'm proud of you."  Then I proceeded to bawl like a baby in front of all the other parents.  I couldn't get out of there fast enough.  I even walked in front of some poor mother filming her kid walking through her classroom door.  Now some lady has the random sighting of a blubbering bald guy crying "I'm sorry!" on tape.  I must find this mother and destroy the evidence.

This makes me wonder how I'm going to handle the other big events of her life.  As I watched her grow up right before my tear filled eyes her future flashed in front of me.  What am I going to do when some boy breaks her heart?  What about her first prom or her first day of college?  How am I going to handle the day she gets married?  Who knows.  But I'd better be a little more prepared and have some tissues handy, just sayin'.

I've started writing the lyrics for a new song.  I tried to read them to my mom this morning, but couldn't get them out.  Now I know how she felt...

And as I walk her down the aisle
I'll try to keep it together and smile
I'll kiss her cheek as I look at her and say
Seems like I just dropped you off at preschool yesterday...

Monday, August 29, 2011


So Miss Add wanted a set of headphones for her music player.  I thought this was an awesome idea since our tastes in tunes aren't exactly equal.  I like classic and hard rock while she prefers Veggie Tales and the like.  I figured this way I could listen to the music that makes me bang my head and not have to hear the children songs that make me want to gouge my eyes out with a hot poker.  Below is a video that proves I can't have my cake and eat it too...

Saturday, July 23, 2011

The Smackdown

Today an epic battle to place at our house.  Today villages were destroyed, blood was shed and lives were lost.  Okay, not really, but my kid DID defeat me in Hungry Hungry hippos.  And I got hit in the eye...

Monday, July 11, 2011

A Fishin' Story

I am proud to say I have celebrated just about every first with my daughter.  I was there when she first saw the light of day.  There was her first smile, first word, first step and even the first time she kicked me in the crotch whilst riding in a shopping cart.  Okay, maybe I didn't celebrate that one so much, but trust me, I was there for it.

Today I took Miss Add fishing.  When she was still in diapers I longed for the day I could take her out and watch her excitement as she reeled in Moby Dick on her little Nemo pole.  Today was that day.  

I look forward to many more firsts with her.  Her first day of school, first straight A report card, first car, first boyfriend...well, maybe not looking forward to that.  That boy might end up just like her first fish (and almost her pole today)...right in the lake...

Friday, July 8, 2011

How a Redneck Woman Changed My Heart

I have always thought of myself as a kind and generous person.  I mean, I'm no Mother Theresa or Ghandi by any means, (Lord knows I could use his diet plan). But I am a feller who will go out of his way to make someone's life a little better through word or deed.  As of late though I have been a little more self-loathing on my self-vision.

Ya see, I have been the funny guy to those who know me.  I can crack a swift one-liner at the drop of a hat without blinking.  I can make jokes at any moment to let others around me have a good laugh.  Maybe that's because I grew up in a family with a sense of humor or maybe I developed that skill out of self-preservation from being the fat kid at school.  I figured if I was gonna get laughed at, it was going to be on MY terms and not because I had a liking to the overindulgence of my mom's spaghetti and fried chicken.

My terms meant making other folks laugh at other folks.  The easiest target, people with disabilities.  I learned that if you remove yourself far from another's pain or affliction, the better it makes you look better in your own mind.  This is delusional, I know that now, but I didn't want to think of it like that took away from the jokes.

My wife had even worked with people with disabilities of all sorts.  She helped them to find employment to better their lives and claimed that it actually bettered hers.  She was filled with such a satisfaction when she could help others.  At the time she was in that job I had to put my humor for the disabled away.  It didn't impress her when I would crack a short bus joke. In fact, it pissed her off.  Her heart would never allow herself or someone else around her to belittle anyone for any reason.  I was admonished many a time when my sharp tongue would pierce her mind with something so mean for the sake of a foolish laugh.  My wife would always tell me she was dumbfounded at how I could go for a cheap easy laugh when she knew I had it in me to be truly funny without having to be at the expense of someone else.  I would dismiss it.  I didn't know these people, therefore it didn't affect me.

Time went on and she changed professions, (although her fondness for the disability community did not).  To me this meant that I was free to tell jokes like the old days.  I mean after all, who was I hurting?  It wasn't like I was telling those jokes TO someone with a disability, just telling those jokes ABOUT them.

Then I Met Tanis

My wife is somewhat of a social media junkie. (I wanted to say genius, but she is too modest to let me call her that)  Heck, it's what she does for a living now.  She was (and still is) trying to get me into the 21st century by hooking me up in the realms of social media via the norms of Facebook, Twitter, and now Google +.  She introduced me to the bloggers who influenced her.  One of those being Tanis Miller.  You really need to read her blog to get the true feel for who she is.  I am pretty good at descriptive writing, but I couldn't do her the justice that her own blog can.  What I can say is I'm not much of a reader, but I sat down the first night and started reading her posts and didn't stop for 4 hours.  I started with her humorous posts, from I am Canadian (please don't hurt me!) to Plight of the Pillsbury.  Her creative and sometimes raunchy humor made me laugh hysterically, but I noticed that the only person she made fun of was herself...and at times her husband who must be a man of great humor and patience.  She never turned her sharp wit toward anyone else.  Although brash and naughty at times, her writings were sincere and hilarious.  I then turned my attention to her more serious posts.

These Are God's Children

The first post out of her "Reality" was Why You Should Never Use The "R" Word.  Just one of many posts talking about the loss of her son, Shale, the adoption and loss of her foster child she calls Bambam, and her Jumby, her adopted son.  She talked in depth about her passion with children with disabilities.  She opened her heart to the realities of illness, pain, courage and loss more than anyone I had ever met.  I couldn't stop reading...or crying.  At first I was moved by how protective she is over her children.  Her anger against prejudice convicted me on the spot.  She was talking directly to me.  "You cold, heartless bastard." I thought of myself.  How could you EVER make a joke about someone like this? These are people who are loved.  These are her children...these are God's Children!  Calling myself a Christ loving man seemed like the bigger joke here.  Her children never laughed at me, how could I do that to them.  I felt so small.  I never thought of myself as evil...until then.  There was never, EVER anything wrong with them.  The problem all along was with me. That's not who I am and I refuse to be that way.  I swore I'd never do it again...and I meant it.

I'm Still Growing

I believe that God moves in all ways through all people.  He used my wife's awesome social media skills to get me to The Redneck Mommy.  He used the Redneck Mommy to get to me.  It worked.  I no longer think jokes about others who do not meet "society's norms" are funny.  They breathe the same air I do and their hearts beat in the same rhythm as mine. God loves them the same as He does me. They deserve the same human respect as I would want for myself or those whom I love.  I am still ashamed for what I used to think was funny.  But now I can be thankful for this changed heart.  I'm still growing, thank God.

Thank you, Tanis for being real in every way.  You are more than just entertaining.  You are an educator to those of us who need educating.  You and Jumby are both new heroes of mine.  I hope that I can change the hearts of others like you have.  I think I'll start with me :)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Sprint Effin' Rocks!!! (So do their Reps)

Long story short, I pressure washed my phone the other day.  I didn't mean to, but it happened.  I will never lie, therefore I honestly swear that it was an accident.  I say this because I have been nagging my wife to let me get a phone like hers...the HTC Evo 4G.  I would NEVER have done this on purpose, the timing here is COMPLETELY coincidental and I will swear this upon my deathbed.  (Just in case somebody from Sprint actually reads this...)

Anyhoo...I noticed that shortly after my phone took a bath that it wasn't working as intended.  When I would go to use the keyboard to text someone a simple message like, "Hi there", my phone would translate it into, "!@#%JASDU  MMM<<<ADJJWQERF KKU!!" I wondered, at first, if maybe I had accidentally hit the "CIA Code Encryption" key on my settings, but alas, I have no CIA clearance.  Thus I knew the problem was severe telephonic overhydration...or as I call it, I drownded my phone. (and  YES, I know "drownded" isn't a real word, but that's what I told my sales rep anyways)

So my rep, Krista, said I could either do the insurance claim on the phone or I could upgrade.  I knew what I wanted...the same super-phone that my wife got.  (NOTE: I truly want to say that I wanted my wife's phone because of it's awesome social networking capabilities and super fast processor...but I really liked it because she could download Angry Birds and I couldn't on my donkey of a phone)  But it was gonna cost me over $400 for the upgrade since I wasn't eligible yet to do so for a reduced rate.  Even though I don't mind spending a little money on myself from time to time, I couldn't justify spending that much cash on a phone.

Just then, Krista, or as I call her the Angel of Sprint Mercy, tells me that she would apply the upgrade to our AirRave device that allows us to get a cell phone signal way out here in the sticks.

All in all the phone costed me the same amount as would filing a claim against my old phone.  There are two pluses to this story:

1. I got what I wanted for less cost without throwing a huge redneck tantrum.
2 Sprint gets to keep my business for two more years.

Kudos to Sprint for employing folks like Krista who try to take care of their customers no matter how clumsy they really are, and Kudos to Krista for treating me great.  You are pure AwEsOmEsAuCe!!!

(I would like to tell you that I wrote this entire post using my new HTE Evo 4G....but I am still playing Angry Birds on it...and I just beat another level)

Saturday, July 2, 2011

GOODe Ole Boy's Guide to a CHANCE at Morning Lovemaking

Now I'm not sayin' that I have (or have not) ever made advances of an intimate nature towards my wife right after waking up in the morning.  I am also not going to reveal that when a man wakes up in the morning he is usually very hairy, gassy, grumpy and has a bad case of death mouth, a..k.a. morning breath.

That being said, if you are a man in the company of a woman in the mornings, do not be ANY of the above in ANY combination and expect intimacy.  If you are any of the above and expect your wife to cooperate with your wishes, you are either an idiot, or she is numb from the neck up. (No offenses to women who are actually numb from the neck up, this isn't meant for you here)

I have compiled a list of things a man should do before even thinking about knocking on the doors of love in the morning.  Here ya go:

1. Shave - No woman wants to feel like she is being smothered by a porcupine in the morning.  A good morning kiss is enough to let her know you love's also enough to let her know she is lying next to Pinhead from Hellraiser.

2. Brush those teeth - No woman wants to kiss the tail end of a dead skunk.  After a good morning kiss, she may know you love her, but she is also wondering which end of you she actually kissed while still trying to focus her eyes that early in the a.m.

3. Fart in the bathroom - Having gas is a natural part of digestion.  Playing your tuba under the sheets is not a good thing to do to prove things are working down there.  Although you may think it's cute, it is extremely non-conducive to a woman's libido.  Also, it smells up the sheets.  I have yet to meet a woman in her right mind that loves to do it in the sewer...

4.  Ask her if she is in the mood - Just because you and Mr. Willy both tend to wake up at the same time doesn't mean she is on the same clock.  If she says no that doesn't necessarily mean try harder.  And for the love of all things sacred, don't show her who is fully awake.  It makes you look like a smiling 3 year old proud of his new toy...

5.  Don't grab at her - Just because you want to grope lovingly touch your wife because you are up doesn't mean it is the correct way to go about things.

 This may lead to shin kicking and elbowing.  It may also lead to injury to all parties fully awake.  Give her a hug and maybe a neck/back massage, but keep your hands (and other parts) away from her more intimate places.

6. Don't Pout - Remember that 3 year old with the new toy???  Don't show that same child to her when you don't get your way.  Nothing kills any inkling of a chance like a whiner.  I've never seen a woman get turned on by a kid throwing a tantrum...

Though you may not get what you want right then, you may be rewarded later for you better behaviors.  We as humans have developed/matured/evolved past the days where the caveman was hot.  A real man will get his woman through understanding her needs.

Gone are the days where Stinky the Neanderthal gets his way with the ladies...

Again, I am not saying I have learned these life lessons through experience.  That may make you think I'm not perfect...and I couldn't let you think that.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

GOODe Hair Day...

So it was Daddy's turn to do Miss Add's hair today.  I was about to give her the usual pigtails, but then a stroke of genius hit me.  I just had to see if she could pull off the "Coolio"...enjoy!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

When Mommy is Away...

So my wife is at Type A conference in North Carolina this week.  This is officially my first time as a stay-at-home dad while she's away, just so ya know.  So far Miss Add is still in one piece...for the most part.  (I'm sure Mommy is reading this with a raised brow...)

Addie told me today she wanted to write her momma a song, so we sat down with the guitar and this is what she came up with.  I'm mighty proud of my little songbird!!!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Tuesday Thoughts...

Thought I'd toss out some random thoughts on a random day. Here ya go:

My body has not adjusted to this heat. I'm not complainin' or anything. 4 months ago I was begging for hot weather and I'm glad it's here. I just wish I didn't have to take a bath towel everywhere I went to wipe off the sweat...

I'm loving the new job. I'm getting good at it and the folks I work with are top notch.

Addie repeats everything I say...EVERYTHING...

I dropped my new guitar on concrete over the weekend. Still sounds great, but it took quite a beatin'...I feel like I should write it an apology letter.

I got a new pressure washer a couple days ago. I have officially pressure washed everything in sight, even my wife. She didn't seem to appreciate it like when I washed her car.

Okay, I haven't pressure washed EVERYTHING yet...(Here kitty kitty..)

Beer on a hot day tastes better, just sayin'

My to do list is running off the page...

I just received full permission to whatever arsenal necessary to eliminate the raccoons and possums eating the cat food off the deck.

I need a pellet gun...

I need to watch A Christmas Story so I can learn how NOT to shoot my eye out...

I love my wife and kid...

Any random thoughts you wanna share???

Monday, May 30, 2011

Musical Monday!!! Anniversary Edition...

This one is all about the love of my life who took my hand 13 years ago.  Thank you for picking me.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Tuesday Tunage...Addie Edition

So I go to pick Add up from her visit with her Memaw and Papaw's today.  On the way home I turned on Pandora Radio (BEST. FREE. RADIO. EVER...) and tuned it to the VeggieTale station.

She kinda hummed some of the tunes and identified them to shows she has watched over and over.  Then, it happened.  A version of Rich Mullins' "Step By Step" came on.  Addie sang that song like she had wrote it.  I was mesmerized.

To listen to her sing that song with all her little heart was more than mine could take.  I drove the rest of the way home with tears in my eyes.   They were tears of pride, as well as a little sadness.  Here I am, a grown man, who says he is thankful for what he's been blessed with, but I don't say thanks enough.

I sing all the time, but hardly a praise song comes out of me unless I'm singin' in church.  And here is this little girl who has just recently learned to speak fluent English, and she can out sing her Daddy.

Today I learned a lesson about praise music.  You can put it to the most beautiful instrumental backgrounds in the world, sang by the world's greatest singer and it may not reach a soul.  But let it come out of the mouth of a child and the world can be changed.  I know mine was today...

Thank you Addie for touching my heart today, and thank you Lord for Addie.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The New Guitar

That's right folks, I got the new Taylor!!!!  Well...truth be told, it's a used Taylor, but it's pretty darn new to me! I have been eyeballing this guitar for months now and had fully planned on buying it when we got back from our little family trip, but our house was broken into.  Nope, not burglars or nothin'...broken into by termites.  We actually think they were here before we moved in and we just happened to discover them by chance days before I was to spend a nice chunk of change on said guitar.

Luckily through shear strategery...(that's right Dubya, we won't forget), my wife found a way to pay for the termite extermination, reconstruction of our home, AND get said guitar!!!

Daddy's pleased, and so should you be.  I am fully functional in my recording now and will be sharing it with you in the weeks to come.  Cris over at GOODeness Gracious has already put me to work on soundtracks for her blog.  I guess you could say I'm for hire, as long as payment is in awesome meals and lotsa love.  (That's how we do business in our house)  ;P

Sunday, May 8, 2011

I Love Hot Moms...

To all you hot moms out there, especially the one who gave me such a beautiful child, Happy Mother's Day.

Monday, May 2, 2011

A Sign???

So I was at work last night when I got a craving for something sweet.  I strolled to the machine and found some Kellogg's Fruity Snacks.

I tore into those bad boys with a mission for a sugar high.

Then, I noticed something a little strange...

Something just didn't look right about one of the candies...

I found this in my bag of gummy candies...I kid you not...

Some folks see the image of the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk, others see the image of Christ in their burnt toast.  I was given the sign of a wiener in my Fruity Snacks...what does that mean???

Friday, April 29, 2011

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Addie Does Stand-Up...

So my little comedian told her first really GOODe joke the other day...

Thanks folks, she'll be here all week...

Monday, April 25, 2011

Musical Monday!!! American Idol Audition Edition :)

So our first trip to the Magic Kingdom was...well, okay at best.  We were able to see some pretty cool shows and of course, "The Castle", as Addie has been calling it for the past few months.  But with two sick gals, one hot day, and one uber-super crowded park, it really wasn't all that magical.  The evening ended with some pretty cool fireworks and a snazzy picture show with the castle...but it also ended with our little princess painting one of the cafeterias and the parking lot with what could best artisticly be described as food abstract...

So we left the Magic Kingdom hot, tired, sick and slightly disappointed...

We spent the next day at the beach resting and swimming.  Then we rose early Thursday morning ready to give Disney another chance.  And I am sure glad we did!  Hollywood Studios was our destination and it was a BLAST!!!

SO many shows to see and not as many crowds to wade through to see them.

Then after a quick bite to eat, I noticed a sign saying "American Idol Experience."

I thought it was one of those hokie karaoke things where you stand in a booth and sing a tune...I was happily mistaken.

It is a simulation of what folks go through to audition for American Idol.  Now I wasn't gonna tell them that I haven't watched the show since the third or so season...(Not a big Paula fan)....but that didn't stop me from trying it out!  I told my wife that I'd be back in about ten minutes...wrong again...

I stood in front of a real judge and sang my little heart out.  She said I was good enough to move on to the next round.  Then I went in front of another judge and sang "I Like It, I Love It" by Tim McGraw.  He said he liked what I did, then told me to look at the screen ahead of me.  There, on a big monitor was Ryan Seacrest who said, "Thanks for your audition.  We would like to be able to tell you that you're moving on to Hollywood, but unfortunately we can't say that here..."  My Disney American Idol hopes were dashed...
Then he said, "BUT we can tell you that you are going to be on the show!"  I was flabbergasted!  I got to perform on a model of the season 7 set of American Idol in front of 600+ people and three actual judges...minus drunk Paula...

They played a funny little video they had made of me auditioning and serenading people in the park, then it was my time to shine on the stage...Mickey hat on and all.  I really wish I had the video they made, but due to legal mumbo jumbo, we couldn't tape it, nor would they give us one of theirs.  Sucks, I know...I really wanted    that footage to embarrass Miss Add with later on in her teen years.

The judges all gave me kudos...even the one who was supposed to be like Simon!  I just KNEW I had won.

Then the last person got on stage and performed.  The judges were a little less happy with her performance to say the least.  The "Simon" dude was just plain mean to her.  He told her he wouldn't mind seeing her perform again as long as the volume was turned down.  That got the crowd in a tizzy.  It also got her more votes.

She won the competition, and I was glad.  In my opinion this little gal could sing rather well, and being up on a stage like that can be intimidating, even to the best of performers.

Although my hopes and dreams of  being the next American Idol were dashed, I still had a ball.  AND we got  2 fast passes for the "inconvenience" of taking so long with the auditions.  Instead of singing my lil' heart out on stage that night, me, Mommy, and Miss Add met Buzz Lightyear, rode the Toy Story ride and defeated Zurg...twice. I felt like a winner :)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Vacationing With The GOODe Ole Boy

Dear Reader,

We just got back from our vacation a few hours ago and I have SO much to share with ya'll!  Some things you can catch up on with my wife's blog.  But I will be posting quite a bit this week to share alot of what our lil' family experienced over the last week.  Here's a little video to tide you over until the rest of the vacation gets uploaded.  Enjoy!!!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Summers On Grandpa's Farm

Ahhh...I love this time of year. The days are getting longer and warmer. The birds are chirping, as are the crickets at night. My neighbor's farm is a symphony of frogs every night now too.

This has got me thinking of the warmest days ahead as we make our way towards summer. It also has me remembering the summers when I would visit my granddaddy's farm.

Grandpa raised all sorts of animals. Chickens, pigs, goats, and of course some cattle too. He wasn't a big scale farmer or nothin', mainly just enough animals to feed the family and to sell some meat to the neighbors every once in a while.

I loved helping out on that farm. I would go fetch eggs for grandma, as well as feed the other animals when they'd let me. One day I even got to visit the cows in the barn.

It was about 5:00 in the morning and I was up early. I knew Grandpa didn't get up until 5:30 or so. I thought I'd surprise the family at breakfast so I pulled on my boots and my hat, grabbed a bucket and a stool, and headed out the door. I was gonna milk my first cow! I had seen Grandpa do it a hundred times. He would reach for an udder and gently squeeze and tug until the warm milk would spring from the cow. He made it look so easy I just knew I could do it!

I snuck into the dark barn, barely making out the shapes of the animals. I could hear the goats and pigs chattering as if in an early morning debate over who would run first in the barnyard. Then I heard the bell on Grandpa's prized milking cow.

I felt my way around the barn, too excited to grab the lantern, and headed towards "Old Faithful" as Grandpa called her. As I slid into the stall, I felt for the cow's rear and sat my stool down gently as not to startle her. I gently reached for an udder and slowly squeezed and pulled just like Grandpa showed me. I bet I went through the milking motions for 45 minutes or so when a light came on in the barn.

"What the heck are you doing???", yelled Grandpa. Just then I saw "Old Faithful" walk by me...I was sitting under Grandpa's bull...

Grandpa said he was gonna change the bull's name to "Old Faithful II" since that stupid bull wouldn't quit following me around the barnyard the rest of the summer. That was the last summer I spent on the farm. I went to camp after that.   Stupid bull...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Why I'll Never Take My Daughter to a Public Restroom Again...

So the other night we, the fam, went out to dinner. As always, right about the middle of our dining experience, Addie had to potty. It just happened to be my turn, which has not been a big deal until that particular night.

I toted my child into the men's room, as it should be since I would probably be arrested for going into the ladies room. (I did that once at Walmart, but that's for another time...)

When Add finished, I figured I should follow suit since the beer I had earlier with dinner started to kick in. As I was taking care of business my kid decided to take a let me just say as a parent, your child will have seen you naked at some point or another in their developing years so don't judge me. Up until this point it hasn't been an issue. She doesn't even have a name for her "lady parts" yet. She thinks everything down there is a "butt" and calls it that.

Oh yeah, and there was a dude in the bathroom at the same time...did I mention that?

Anyhoo...I'm using the potty and my kid yells "Daddy, what's that???"

The dude at the sink giggles...

"Daddy, is that YOUR butt???"

The dude giggles louder...

"Daddy, is that a little butt on your butt?"

The dude starts to laugh now...

"Daddy, that sure is a little butt"

Dude is now laughing hysterically...

Mommy will take her to the restroom from now on.

And for the record, the restaurant was cold, as was I...

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

My Mom's Favorite Story

So my mother is a pretty good story teller, but there's just one story she can't seem to get through.  I'll hafta tell it to ya so's she doesn't have to.

It's about a mother, father and their 5 year-old little girl from the city who took a drive one day through the country.


They had never wandered out past the city limit signs before, but the parents wanted their little girl to experience what life in the country was like.

As they exited the city the little girl's eyes filled with wonder at all the trees and fields.

Her nose was pressed against the glass of her window as she saw all the farm animals grazing in their pastures.   She had never seen a cow, pig, or sheep in real life before...only in storybooks.

All of a sudden the father exclaimed "Look at that!"  And there was a cow in the middle of a field giving birth.  The family pulled off the road and sat as they watched one of nature's miracles in action.

The cow was standing up and seemed to be in trouble with her labor.  The family watched as they saw a hoof, then another hoof, then two legs came out from the laboring cow.  Then they saw what looked like a tail coming out.  The baby calf was coming out breech!  The family could hear the moans and moos as the mother pushed with all she had, noticeably in pain.  The father and mother stood hand in hand, praying for the cow to pull through.  The daughter just sat on the hood of the car in fearful amazement.

They sat there for an hour as they watched the baby calf slowly come out backwards.  Finally as the head came out, the calf fell to the ground.

The mother immediately turned around and cleaned off her new baby.    

The calf then stood up, all wobbly but determined to walk.  The mother lay down in obvious exhaustion from such an ordeal.

The father exclaimed "I think it's a miracle!"  "I think it's beautiful!" said the mother.  Then the father turned around and asked his daughter what she thought about what was witnessed.  "I think that calf must've been doin' every bit of 30 miles an hour when it plowed into the back of that cow!!!"

Mom couldn't never finish that story because she was laughin' so hard by the end of it.  She sure hopes you enjoyed it...and that's no bull!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

How Music Changed My Life

Anybody who is a musician can probably tell you the moment or even that changed their musical life. A concert, certain song, or fellow musician may have moved them to really dig what they listen to and play.  My life changing moment with music happened in 2002.

It was December and we had just switched from Comcast to DirecTV.  I remember flipping through the new channels and found a station that was playing concert series.  It just so happened that month they were playing Eric Clapton's One More Car, One More Rider tour, recorded in 2001 at the Staples Center in Los Angeles.  It was and will always be the greatest concert I have ever seen.

The way that man played guitar and sang touched me like no other artist or musician.  Accompanied by musical greats like Billy Preston, Andy Fairweather Lowe, Steve Gadd, and Nathan East, Mr. Clapton inspired me to pick my guitar up with more respect than I had before.  I wanted to learn something new.  I wanted to move others like he moved me.

He didn't just play the blues, he did it all.  Blues, pop, and rock filled that arena for over two hours.  I bet if I ever walk in the Staples Center, I could still hear the echoes of that bright sunburst stratocaster ringing in the rafters.

He played classics like Layla and Tears in Heaven, along with his newest tunes from Reptile.  He opened with Key to the Highway and ended with an awesome rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  Somewhere in the middle he even played what would become my favorite song of all time, Sunshine of Your Love.  From his opening guitar lick to his bow at the end of the show I was mesmerized.  I played that concert nonstop all month long. I like to drove my wife nuts, but she liked how it inspired me.  I'll never be the same.

Thanks Mr. Clapton for changing my life, and making me want to play the guitar.

What music has inspired you or changed your life?

Monday, February 14, 2011

Musical Monday!!!...Valentine's Day Edition

Happy Valentine's Day everybody!!!

On this Musical Monday I re-recorded a little tune I wrote for my Valentine a couple years ago called "I Still Got A Crush On You". I can't imagine a day without her in my life. She really does put a song in my heart!

Sorry if the video's a little choppy...I think I'm in need of a new computer, I'm afraid the old processor just couldn't fully handle all the love I was givin' off. I hope ya'll like it!

Monday, January 31, 2011

The Snuggie...

So my Sis-in-law got me a pretty cool Superman snuggie for Christmas.  It is warm, cozy, and quite slimming if you ask me.  I believe I do the man of steel proud when I wear it, enjoy!!!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

In Memory of Officer David Moore...A True GOODe Ole Boy

Today I post this with a heavy heart.  Today we say goodbye to Officer David Moore of the Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department.  Now, I didn't personally know Officer Moore, but I do know his kind.  My sister-in-law is an officer with IMPD.  My brother is a Deputy Marshal with the United States Marshal Service.  I have grown up around officers my whole life.  They are true heroes who live among us every day choosing to serve us instead of themselves.

It seems like here lately all we have heard about is bad news about our public servants.  Corruption, foolish decisions, and cover-ups make for big news.  This week we see another side of our law enforcement officers, the sacrifice.  Although we are saddened by his death, we have heard about his life, and his proud family.  His mother and father, both police officers, talked today about the pride and honor they feel knowing their son died serving the people.  Although they are devastated by such a loss, they are able to hold their heads up high.

Officer Moore had been with the force since 2004.  He was awarded the title "Rookie of the Year" and a recipient of the Medal of Valor.  He was also an organ donor.  He gave his life serving others, and in his death,  he will give life to others.  Someone will breathe the breath of a hero.  Someone will have the heartbeat of a hero.  

Thank you Officer Moore for your service and your sacrifice.  You are an example of a servant we should all remember, and try to emulate.  God speed on your new beat on the streets of Heaven.
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